Sara watches every Oscar Best Picture - The Last Emperor

I was gone for a while watching Felicity reruns(I'm not ashamed!) but now I'm back with the Best Picture of 1987. And if I'm being honest, I'd never even heard of this movie until I started this project. So beyond the basic plot(essentially just the movie title) I really had no idea what happens in this movie.

If you've seen the animated Anastasia, you basically can understand the plot of this movie. It's Anastasia without the amnesia. Or the singing. So I'm not saying Anastasia is better(I am. I am saying that), just that it's more rewatchable. Partially because this movie lasted 2.5 hrs. Honestly, they should've cut out all the stuff when he was a kid because it was boring and a lot of super gross things happened. Namely, that one of his servants smells his poop(and they show his turds onscreen I am not making this up), and then when he's about 11, he is still nursing(I can't tell you which I was more grossed out by).

So, the movie goes through flashbacks of the Emperor(his name is PuYi) and in 'present day' 1950 he is a prisoner at a Communist reform prison, being questioned by a total psycho and another guy who's pretty decent. He tries killing himself-which made things confusing, because I thought he'd do that so he wouldn't be tortured by the Communists. But instead of torturing him, they teach him humility and give him marketable skills like gardening. Which is a weird thing for a movie made in 1987 to be saying such nice things about Communists. I don't know. Anyway, a young PuYi meets Peter O'Toole and they get along splendidly. It's like The King and I, but you know. Without romance. Or singing. Singing makes most movies better. Then PuYi gets married to 2 women, because you can do that if you're emperor.

Then we finally get to the geopolitics of it all, which is that PuYi is an ineffectual figurehead, and most of that is because his servants and the dowager empresses won't allow him to leave the Forbidden City. So he just does nothing. When he finally gets fed up and tries to replace the servants and make reforms, they burn down part of the compound. Then the Communists come and take him away and he finds refuge with the Japanese. This was really interesting and they should've done more about this because I'm assuming most people like me don't totally understand the complexities of the China/Japan relationship. The Japanese basically take advantage of him a lot because he's a really good figurehead and they want a nice front to cover their Conquer Asia plans. So they set him up in Manchukuo(he is ethnically Manchurian so he has a pretty good claim), and he tries to assert some independence. Obviously, the Japanese get annoyed by that and blah blah that's how he ends up in Communist prison. While he's in prison he sees a film reel about the Rape of Nanking/Nanking Massacre, that happened on his watch, but which he didn't know about because the Japanese hid it from him. He ends up taking responsibility for that and everything else the Communists accused him of-which allows him to be 'rehabilitated' and released. When he's released he works as a simple peasant gardener and it's quite touching even though he was awful for like the majority of the movie(he made one of his servants drink ink to prove he was Emperor and it was the worst).

So some side notes about this movie. First is that aside from the Emperess, the women in this movie are HORRIBLY written. Just lazy, writing and flat characterization. His second wife gets annoyed that he won't pay attention to her, and that she has a very strange status by Western standards so she just runs away like she's starring in a female remake of Singing in the Rain(she runs outside when it's raining and laughingly goes 'I don't need this umbrella!' She isn't seen again and it was very odd). Then! UGH. This pilot woman shows up to be friends with the Empress, but she is basically a cartoon villain. She wears a pilot's outfit in the movie-like as if that's normal for a woman in the 1930s. She also informs the Empress WITHIN MINUTES OF SEEING HER, that she-the pilot woman-is a spy for the Japanese. Because she hates China. Does she explain why? No. Just lazy writing(maybe because the writers were men who were not Chinese). She later whispers to the empress at PuYi's coronation in front of a huge crowd of people 'I'm a spy and I don't care who knows it.' UHM NO. Listen, I don't know a lot about being a spy aside from what I've seen in like Mission Impossible and Alias, but do you think Sydney Bristow just willy nilly tells some opium-addicted famous person she's a spy FOR NO REASON? IN FRONT OF PEOPLE?????? Honestly, she was the worst character.

The Empress meanwhile is having a lot of struggles. She gets married to the Emperor when he's still pubescing. And she is supposed to be 17(she is fully 25 at the very least and Wikipedia confirmed that). So she's living in seclusion, then is travelling all over the world while her husband tries to reclaim his Emperor-ship. She gets addicted to opium which is pretty common except PuYi's mother died of an opium addiction so he doesn't want to hang out with her anymore, (there's a weird scene where she's eating a flower because PuYi is too dumb to know that he is a figurehead and it was very confusing). She later gets pregnant by PuYi's driver(who is shot in the grossest, but also very comical way) so that PuYi can have an heir. Except the Japanese murder her baby, and take her away, and when he sees her years later, she is like a shell of a person and who can blame!? They should've made the movie about her.

ANYWAY. Last notes on the movie include that they did weird voiceovers for some of the actors and it was terrible and very obvious. Maybe instead of doing voiceovers they should've let everyone speak Mandarin. Just a suggestion! Also John Lone played PuYi and he is quite attractive so its tragic that he quit acting in 2007. And he was quite good as an actor, and listen for a movie that won Best Director, Best Picture and Best Screenplay(and was nominated for a TON of other Oscars), you're telling me no one in this movie deserved an acting nod? SIDE-EYE ACADEMY. I'm even surprised Peter O'Toole wasn't nominated, because. He is Peter O'Toole.

Sara watches every Oscar Best Picture - In the Heat of the Night

Before I jump into talking about this movie, let me just say it made me FEEL FEELINGS. Well. Really just one. It was AN INHUMAN UNSPEAKABLE RAGE. So I've decided to shorthand it with the following symbol >| which is sort of a sideways frowny face because I literally do not have words for how ragey it made me feel at some points. Anyway onto the review!

In the Heat of the Night was the Oscar best picture of 1967, and I guess like, kudos to the Academy for giving the win to what I presume to be a very progressive movie at the time? The IMDB synopsis is "An African American police detective is asked to investigate a murder in a racially hostile southern town." Pardon me while I breathe deeply for a few moments. I have to go burn some incense and stare at a picture of President Obama. So the movie begins with a couple of dumbass yokels in a diner, and then the one dumbass who's a cop goes on a patrol and finds a dead rich white guy. The chief of police tells that same guy to go on another patrol to find potential suspects and he finds SYDNEY POITIER(#bless). And instead of asking for his number or something reasonable, he calls Sydney 'BOY' >| >| >| >| and then arrests him even though Sydney is sitting there calmly wearing a suit, and the dumbass cop doesn't hesitate to pull a gun on him >|

Sydney-who's name is iconically MR. TIBBS(#bless) has to deal with more racist idiots at the police station most of all THE CHIEF. Who straightaway is like "Confess! What's your name? Wait, I don't care, you're black so you obviously are the killer." I'M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING. >|>| But Tibbs calmly explains his name(first name Virgil) and has to deal with the FURTHER injustice of having the dumbass chief laugh at his epic name(VIRGIL WROTE THE AENEID YOU PEA-BRAINED ASS).

Sorry-I had a stroke. I'm fine now. Ok so Virgil is like "I'm a super brilliant homicide detective, so A. I didn't kill the guy, and B. I can help you find the real killer, but C. you're a big bag of douche and I want to get out of this Hellmouth. But because we need a plot, he stays and keeps the chief from repeatedly arresting and charging the wrong guys with murder. I'm not gonna to lie, they throw around the N-word a lot and it made me feel >|>| But the whole way thru, Virgil looks fine as hell in his nice pressed suit(how does he keep it so nice and pressed is one of my main questions) but he calmly deals with multiple bands of Confederate racists coming at him with their torches and pitchforks to kill him-and again NOT EXAGGERATING. One of the main reasons they want to kill him is that another super rich white guy hit Virgil, and obviously VIRGIL HIT BACK(#bless) and then the white guy was so upset that the chief didn't immediately shoot Virgil in the face that he cried the tears of a Trump supporter(I can't tell you how much I'm not making any of this up. Except the Trump part. I mean obviously most of these slack jawed yokels would be ardent Trump supporters if this movie were set in 2018-but that is neither here nor there) But no one seems to care that the white guy hit first(or that he owns a cotton plantation, which is farmed by black folks. And yes, this movie is set in 1967), because obviously white people should be allowed to hit black people without fear of recrimination or consequences whatsoever!! >|>|>|>|>|

Anyway! They catch the killer! Of the white dude! And Sydney Poitier lives! 1 racist dies and another one goes to jail! Hooray!! I think we're all supposed to be super happy at the end that the supremely inept Chief of Police is nice to Virgil and like carries his bag and tells him to take care, but I WEREN'T FALLIN FOR IT YA HEAR! He was racist at the beginning and HE IS STILL RACIST AT THE END, JUST LIKE A BIT LESS. And yes, progress is great and also 1967, but I'm sorry lil me sitting here in 2018 wanted him to get run over by a train multiple times during this movie, especially whenever he would call Virgil BOY  >| so like. It's gonna take me a while. To not want a death by train. Y'all he got so mad whenever Virgil would be like 'Uhm, nbd, but you totally shouldn't be throwing the wrong people in prison for the rest of their lives for crimes they didn't commit.' And the Chief would throw toddler tantrums.

Let's talk about Sydney Poitier(#bless)!! Like, if anyone is going to change a racists mind about black people, it probably would be Sydney Poitier-who is so GLORIOUS in this movie. His acting. Y'all. I can't. Sydney conveyed the >| with like the teensiest twitch of the smallest muscle in his fucking eyebrow(not making that up). He was like. It freaks me out how good of an actor he was in this-he was so convincing at being the kind of cop who just like jokes around with the suspects, or promises them something so they'll give up a source. DO NOT EVEN get me started on how he didn't win best actor but the GUY WHO PLAYED THE CHIEF DID >|>|>|>|>|>|>|>|>|>|>|>| I guess kudos to that guy for making me want him to die by train.

The conclusion I've reached is that it was a good movie(it made me feel FEELINGS which it was supposed to do) and didn't shy away from the race stuff obviously. The one problem I have, that I have with a lot of movies like this is that there's always the Good White Person who changes their mind about black people-the chief in this movie. And the people watching at home are supposed to watch and say 'Oh yea, I'm that guy at the end of the movie, when he realized Virgil was a human being with thoughts, feelings, motivations, and also he's quite good at his job.' And I understand it, but I fundamentally disagree with it. Hidden Figures did this a lot too-giving people in the audience the chance to say, 'Yea I'm Kevin Costner when he bashes the Whites Only sign down.' And like, that didn't even happen in real life! And throughout the movie, Virgil will get saved at the last minute by the Chief. Even though VIRGIL IS A COP! And one of the main questions on my mind throughout this movie is WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T HE HAVE A GUN? The Chief lends him a CAR for crying out loud! Why not a gun! To protect himself! And apprehend the culprit! >| >| >|

What I'm trying to say is that this movie is sort of emblematic in a lot of ways of other movies that say good things on the surface, but when you look closer have issues. Stop making the white people rescue people of color! Let them save themselves! Stop having people change their minds about racism just because the people of color are good at something! Racism isn't bad because black people are smart, or Asian people are good looking or whatever. Racism is bad because black people and Asian people ARE FUCKING PEOPLE. It's not about the economic loss of not involving people of color in society, it's about our central humanity(sorry I went off the rails here).

Ok so! The next movie I'm watching is All Quiet on the Western Front, which is the original black and white about WWI. I won't have to use the unspeakable rage emoji!

Sara watches every Oscar Best Picture - Amadeus

I didn't like the IMDB summary of this movie, so here's the Wikipedia one: "The story, set in Vienna, Austria, during the latter half of the 18th century, is a fictionalized biography of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Mozart's music is heard extensively in the soundtrack of the movie. The film follows Italian composer Antonio Salieri at the court of Emperor Joseph II, and his jealous vendetta against his younger rival, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart." It was the best picture of 1984 and F. Murray Abraham won best actor for playing Salieri.

So, some thoughts before I get to the plot. First is, Mozart's little giggle made me want to break things. Also, I don't really get it? I think it's a bridge too far in terms of separating him from his peers as a super-weirdo. He has PINK HAIR for sobbing out loud! He's already a weirdo! I mean-the hair is a wig, but still. No one else wears a pink wig in the movie. Also, it does seem odd to me that as a classical music nerd, I've never seen this before. It's just one of those movies I've been meaning to watch since I was like 11, and never really got around to it. But anyway, in my mind I was comparing it to Mr. Holland's Opus, which is the other great movie about a conductor. And spoiler alert, but Mr. Holland's Opus was better(sorrynotsorry). And my last thought about this movie before diving into plot is that F. Murray Abraham's prothesis was AWFUL. And also-did you know that he played a villain in Star Trek: Insurrection? I thought that was odd, because most people start at Star Trek and then go on to become 'real actors'. Not that I'm upset about it, although in Star Trek, he played a super weird baddie who also had awful face prothesis(I've thoughtfully provided photographic evidence). Maybe F. Murray Abraham got typecast after this movie? Who knows!

This is Old Salieri


And this is Ru'afo. In Star Trek, he plays this guy who is like clinging to his youth by doing gross face treatments. He's kind of a lame Voldemort, and his death, just like Voldemort's is also very gross.


So the plot! Salieri is sad because he wants to play music and his dad wants him to be able to eat and stuff when he's old, so Salieri asks God to kill his dad and God is like 'Done.' So Salieri becomes a great composer and works for the Austrian King/Emperor/whatever. Then, some hot-shot fratboy with stupid pink hair shows up and Salieri is MAD because what was the point of asking God to kill his dad if some pink-haired jerk is better than him? So, obviously, Salieri decides to burn his cross and turn his back on God and also swear to destroy/kill Mozart. As you do. And up until this point, the movie hadn't really grabbed me? I don't know-it felt a little cold or something. But the second half is where all the good stuff is. Mozart gets sick, and he's poor and he's going mad-and that was much more interesting to watch the frat boy thing. And Salieri is like =( the whole time about everything, right up until Mozart collapses during a performance-then Salieri helps him back home to write a requiem before he dies(there's a weird subplot where Salieri disguises himself as Mozart's dad to fuck with him and make him write the requiem in the first place but well. There it is I guess). And this scene-where Mozart is dictating the requiem-is by far the best in the movie. Because at this point you realize that the music that had been scoring the movie up until this point, is sort of an outpouring of Mozart's madness and he hears the music he's writing as fully formed-that's why he doesn't erase or cross anything out when he's writing. And Salieri is realizing his genius and while obviously being super jealous, seems to feel like a weird protective understanding of Mozart? So maybe the whole time if Salieri had tried to understand Mozart's genius, instead of KILLING IT WITH FIRE, things would've gone better for everyone. Their interaction in this scene is the best and it's a shame that A. the movie spent so much time on Mozart going to parties and stuff and B. they had so few scenes together. So then Mozart dies and Salieri is like ....yay? I thought it was also interesting that the movie ended on Mozart's laugh, especially as Salieri is being wheeled through the sanatorium. Maybe the movie is trying to say that all composers go batshit at some point? I don't know.

So, I guess I'd give the second half of the movie an 8/10, and the first half like 4/10. Mr. Holland's Opus by the way is a 4/4(haha-music jokes! I wanted to write that it was a C, but you know-not a C on like an A-F grading system. Jokes are hard guys) Anyway, this brings me to the women in the movie about which I had thoughts. First was, sometimes I liked his wife and sometimes I hated her, and I really couldn't decide which. It seemed like, the movie couldn't really decide what to do with her. First she's a coquette, then a blushing bride, then a put-upon housewife, then a protective hausfrau, etc. etc. She went through so many evolutions it was hard to keep up especially since she wasn't given a lot of screen time to sell all of it, and you know-wasn't the main character. She was ok though, I liked that she piped up to both Mozart's dad and also that one vaudeville guy. Then there was the housemaid played weirdly by a very young Cynthia Nixon(pre-gubernatorial run!). I don't know, the character was hella stupid and also Cynthia was not a very good actress back then. She really oversold a lot of her scenes. Like she thought she was in a huge auditorium instead of on screen. But back to her being dumb-why did Salieri even want her to spy on the Mozarts anyway? She was clearly too dumb to understand what all was going on. I guess he could've wanted it that way, except she got afraid when he would drink and be eccentric and stuff(he was not, at least in this movie painted, to be violent at all) so her reaction is kind of weird.

So there it is. Mr. Mozart's Opus.

Sara watches every Oscar Best Picture - Terms of Endearment

Well. This was a movie. A movie that I watched. And let me tell you how I felt about it. "Ugh. Blech. Harumph. Pfft. Snikt." The last one is just one of those onomatopoeia words from a comic book, but the fine point of it is that I didn't hate this movie as much as I thought I would? But I didn't like it either. Spoilers to follow!

The IMDB summary of this movie is as follows "Follows hard-to-please Aurora looking for love, and her daughter's family problems." Which, sure. That's accurate I guess. My plot summary would probably be something like "Uptight mother tortures and berates daughter who marries a real dud of a human being. The daughter-played by Debra Winger, goes on to suffer in her marriage and then die. The mother-played by Shirley Maclaine, dates a bunch of randos and then Jack Nicholson, and then doesn't die."

This movie had some real cameos though let me tell you. Danny Devito! John Lithgow! Who by the way, makes this face at one point in the movie and it's so hilarious I had to get a screen cap

And that I assume is why the movie was under 'comedies' in the Amazon library. But I guess Debra Winger was into his dumb face because they had a real weird affair. Which started by him buying her groceries. I generally feel like this movie treated everyone except Shirley and Debra(whose names were Aurora and Emma respectively) like set pieces. Emma's friend Patsy has like 4 lines in this whole movie. At the end when Emma is dying of cancer(I said there would be spoilers), Patsy is all, "You're my touchstone." Which would probably have more emotional weight if Patsy was a 3-dimensional character. But I digress-because for a movie made in 1983-and having won the award for best picture, it does feature 2 women as the lead roles, and they have way more lines than the men. And I guess I'd be happier about that if I liked any of the characters. As it is, my favorite character were probably Emma's younger son(not the older one, he was a real shit), who's little face was just so darned cute and so heartbreaking when she had to tell him she was dying.

I'm really curious what people thought of the Jeff Daniels(whose name in this movie is FLAP. That was honestly a human being's name. Flap.) and Jack Nicholson who played Garrett. My issue with Jeff Daniels is that he was a weasel. And at the end when she died, he didn't want his kids to live with him???? Like I guess at least he's honest in saying he'd probably fuck it up, but also, like...he doesn't even want his kids to live with him? They'd be hundreds of miles away? Ugh-and I thought, maybe Aurora was kind of a bitch to wait til the day before the wedding to tell her daughter not to marry FLAP(never marry a man named Flap! No one should have to tell you that! That is something all people should know instinctively!) but she was totally right. You shouldn't be having kids with a person who doesn't want to raise them if you're not there. I guess that's just a personal opinion. And he was sleeping during her death scene! Isn't that just a testament to how shitty he is.

Anywho, I guess Jack Nicholson was the head-scratchiest for me. In the beginning he's just a washed up loser who chases younger girls. Actually my favorite people in the whole movie would probably be the 2 girls who dropped him off at his house one night and told him they thought he'd be a real hero, because he was an astronaut earlier on in his life-but that he turned out to be a huge disappointment. TELL IT!

But anyway, the movie has established that he likes younger ladies, and then he's into Aurora even though she's 100% cray cray. Side note I really couldn't stand her wardrobe in this movie. Everything she wore looked like a doily had sex with a bed skirt. My favorite part of their relationship was when they grabbed each other's butts at the airport. I don't know, this movie is weird. Oh and the thing I forgot to mention where Aurora has a ton of suitors who have dinner at her house all the time! It's super weird!

To summarize, if I'm being honest-I wonder if this movie would've won best picture if Emma hadn't died. Like if this had just been a movie about a mother and daughter living their lives, would anyone have thought...ART! I doubt it? I mean-listen, I think Gilmore Girls did it better, but what do I know!? I kinda wonder if this movie is anything like Beaches(which is another movie about 2 women who are very close and then one dies tragically...spoiler? but also-I'll never know that either because those movies just aren't my thing and also Beaches didn't win Best Picture).

Sara watches all the Oscar Best Pictures - An American in Paris

Well! Gene Kelley is certainly orange in this movie! I can tell you that. No burying the lede here, the first and foremost thing for you to know is that he is so orange as to be an alarming shade of orangey/brown. Also he wears A LOT of makeup.

Also! I had no idea that this was the movie where 'I Got Rhythm' comes from! Classic Gershwin! An unexpected delight! (For whatever reason I completely forgot they did the music for this movie)

Onto plot and stuff! IMDB's description is: 'Three friends struggle to find work in Paris. Things become more complicated when two of them fall in love with the same woman.' Starring Orange Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron. Well I can tell you at 33 minutes into this thing and we haven't heard Leslie Caron actually say anything and we've only seen her in a weird dance montage. But the other woman in this movie(who is interested in Gene Kelly's painting...if you know what I mean) is here. And he gets super indignant because she asks him out? He thinks she wants a male escort-which is nuts because she's obviously a normal person but also extremely good looking so why would she need paid company? It's all very weird. Old movies!

But it's not over! He finally meets Leslie Caron at a cafe and STARES OPENLY like a real creep, then goes over and insists she dance with him. And the whole time she seems horrified and weirded out OBVIOUSLY. And he's like, well you know, just dance with me for a few minutes. GENE KELLY! I'M APPALLED. And of course, it gets worse, he asks for her number, and when she gives the wrong one, her friend corrects her, but Gene Kelly STILL DOESN'T GET THE HINT, and calls her anyway! And when she is basically like "Stop stalking me and go away forever" he decides, as one does, to SHOW UP AT HER PLACE OF BUSINESS. You guys. Is Gene Kelly an axe murderer in this movie? Basically I hate everyone in this movie except again Leslie Caron for being the only normal and relatable person in it. Right up until he asks her out, and is like "I'm fun and normal" and she's like, "Despite all evidence to the contrary, that totally checks out, let's date!" Sigh.

So they are dating, and then there are some very weird musical asides. I love the Gershwins, but this movie came to a full stop for 10 minutes so a side character could have a daydream about playing a full orchestration of his music. What's that even about?

Anyway-so blondie is still super into Gene Kelly, and he's still super into Leslie Caron, who is also dating Gene Kelly's friend-WHO is a super hot french guy with a great set of pipes and is also a snappy dresser. And that guy wants to marry Leslie Caron(is it obvious who I think she should choose?) Anyway, I do think it's interesting that the movie, even being made in the 1950's doesn't really bat an eyelash at a woman dating multiple men, or really at a woman(blondie) setting up a sweet deal for Gene Kelly. Who is a terrible painter. He paints with his spatula thingy! Even I know that's not how you paint! Speaking of how not to do things-old timey kissing in movies is ridiculous you guys. They just smash their faces together and then wiggle them around a bit. Like bobbing for apples on another person's face.

Oh god this movie. Ok so then Gene Kelly(his name is Jerry Mulligan in this movie but it couldn't matter less) tells Leslie Caron(Lisa) he loves her, and she loves him too but she decides to marry the hot French guy, but obviously, French guy(Henri) overhears and is a gentleman and backs out because it's what she wants(and obvi he deserves much better). HOWEVER, we have to sit through another grinding halt in the movie plot to watch some stupid dance number and I literally can't. This is probably why I don't remember much about this movie because it ends on A REAL DUD of a musical dance number that includes fun house mirrors, multiple changes in costume, a fountain, etc. It sucks and I hated it-and I LOVE dance movies. This is a well documented fact about me! And I thought for a split second at the end the movie would close on Gene Kelly looking sadly at a rose as Leslie Caron rides off to America with her hot Frenchman but no. She comes back and they do the old timey kissing thing the end. UGH. Sorry, I guess I didn't like this movie that much. EDIT PEOPLE!

Some of my favorite(?) lines include
"You know some days you look exceptionally pretty." This was the first case of negging the world ever saw(thanks so much Orange Gene Kelly).

"You only meet the right girl once."
"That many times?" Spoken by the comedic relief character. He really chewed some scenery when Gene Kelly and the hot french dude were talking about Leslie Caron.

Sara watches all the Oscar Best Pictures - Gigi

I've decided to take on a new project and watch every movie that ever won the Academy Award for Best Picture. There are 90, and after a tally, I've seen 28 already. That leaves 62 unseen movies. So today I begin with Gigi, the Best Picture of 1958. IMDB's description is: "Weary of the conventions of Parisian society, a rich playboy and a youthful courtesan-in-training enjoy a platonic friendship, but it may not stay platonic for long." Starring Leslie Carron and Louis Jourdan.

WELL. Let me tell you something. I have no idea how I feel about this movie. Now granted, it was made in 1958 so in the intervening 60 years our ideas about courtship and womanhood etc are a lot different. But I don't think the IMDB description is entirely accurate. Gigi is a musical-and opens with a song not at all condescendingly titled "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" where one of the lyrics is "without them what would little boys do." Then he(this weird old dude) talks about people who won't get married and people who don't get married(the difference being that men won't because they don't want to but women don't because they want to but aren't desirable/rich/etc. enough? But if they can't have good jobs and inherit money that's probably true since this movie is set in 1900).

AND YET! I was thoroughly enjoying this movie for the first 90% of it. Even the fact that the main love interest of Gigi was named Gaston! I wonder if Disney named Gaston after him in Beauty and the Beast? Well in any case- I found the character of Gigi in the beginning to be charming-just as Gaston does. She's me! Runs around and plops into chairs and steals sips of champagne while cheating at cards! Except I'm 28, so I don't have to steal sips of champagne. Which brings me to my first issue with this movie which is, HOW OLD IS EVERYONE!? Gigi seems to be about 16/17, and Gaston maybe like late 20s/early 30s? So. That's kind of gross, but again the times! They were a-different(I'm pretty sure that's the lyric). My other issue-more of a nitpick, is how does Gaston know this family? It seems weird if he's so rich that he hangs out with this group of poor misfit women? Just me?

But then we get to the real crux of the movie, which is that after they all go on some beach holiday, they come back and the grandmother is like OMG! Maybe they should get married??? But then! UGH. He just decides he wants Gigi as his live in mistress, but like, she would live in a different house? It seems super gross, and I know it was a thing, but if they got along so well, AND HE LOVES HER, and also he is a family friend, wouldn't the decent thing be to either marry her or forget the whole thing? But no! In fact her grandmother and great aunt are like! Yay! This is exactly what we wanted for you! Go be this man's mistress! But he's not married, so you're really just a girlfriend he won't marry!? I don't know. It's all very confusing to me. AND GIGI IS LIKE, YO THIS IS WACK, NO THANKS. Because OBVIOUSLY! And then!? She changes her mind!?

So they go out on a date, and everyone in Paris is gross and gossipy, but Gigi is just like leaning into it at this point. Gaston seems super uncomfortable, and this is the part where a 1958 musical diverges from a 2018 movie. Because in 2018, I'm thinking to myself, oh no. He's bored of her already just like he got bored of all his other girlfriends. So he drags her out of the party and back to her house and it's A Scandal. And then 2 minutes later he comes back to propose and they live happily ever after? I had whiplash you guys. I'm not necessarily upset that things ended happily, just that it seemed like he should've done that to begin with. Maybe they're trying to show that he like grew as a person, and became better. But it seems like he became better and grew against his own wishes so that's super weird. I mean I get that he's a rich playboy and he doesn't HAVE to marry her, but still. If we are supposed to root for them to be together he should be a good person. On purpose. So I guess my thoughts are, that this world is not good enough for the Gigi's in it, and why did society/her grandmother and aunt feel the need to remove Gigi's joie de vivre and personality just so she could get a man who was kind of gross? #savegigi

As an aside I don't feel it necessary to talk that much about the actual music in this movie because it wasn't very good.

This movie is a time capsule about how not to treat young girls. AND I ALMOST FORGOT? That Gaston went out with a girl and when they broke up she tried to COMMIT SUICIDE and everyone was all LOL about it!!!!!!!???? I think I blocked it out because it was weird as hell and I don't know what even to say about it.

Sochi 2014: A Figure Skating Retrospective

Hello there friendship. I apologize for what might be a long post. Let us jump right in. But first, this:

All right, all right, moving on. Let's keep this professional now.

Men
Predicted
G- Patrick Chan
S- Yuzuru Hanyu
B- Javier Fernandez

Actual
G-Hanyu
S-Chan
B-Ten
So, if they'd stayed where they were after the short, I'd be pretty on. And I have to give it up for Hanyu's short program. It was FANTASTIC. I love Parisian Walkways, as a song, but also as a music choice for skating. He really owned that program. And I know people are going to get all up in arms about the free skate and who should've won. I think we all know it was not the night we'd hoped for as fans. However, I think the standings were right, in the end it was a pretty close call because the top 2 were sloppy. Denis Ten was great and very happy for him and Kazakhstan. I hope that in coming seasons, he is healthier and can have more consistent results at competitions. It will be really interesting to see how things shake out at the World Championships next month.

Ladies
Predicted
G- Yuna Kim
S- Mao Asada
B- Carolina Kostner/A russian

Actual
G- Adelina Sotnikova
S-Yuna Kim
B-Carolina Kostner
I mean. Let's be honest, I was pretty spot on here. As spot on as anyone, especially considering most people had written Kostner off and were tossing that bronze at Gracie Gold which was a bunch of bullshit. I mean, objectively speaking, Gracie is a great jumper, a fine spinner. However, I think she is overscored in PCS. For example in the free skate, she outscored Wagner by 2 points. NO. I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Ashley performed the SHIZZ out of that program and we all know it. Gracie was, fine? And she fell! And even there, I could've forgiven her for outscoring Wagner in technical elements. But not in PCS. I just feel like for whatever reason, Wagner was underscored. I am not going to make allegations of vote trading and cheating and what all because that is childish and it undermines the sport, but I feel in all honesty that Wagner should've been scored a tad higher. ANYWAY. 

WHO would've predicted Sotnikova on top? NO ONE. Literally no one. I read so many medal predictions and they all said Yuna or Mao. Mao by the way had such a beautiful free skate. I think she should've won the free skate portion. I thought Kim was beautiful in the free skate also. When she finished, I legitimately thought, "Oh, she's done already? Can she just skate some more!?" Which is not an exaggeration. She was great. Kostner's free skate was kind of weird to me. I like Bolero as a music choice, but it felt like her interpretation was kind of off. But it was good. And finally, Sotnikova. She skated 2 very clean performances. And again, I think she did very well, I do however feel that her free skate was too high. She was great technically, but she outscored Kim by A LOT. Although she did one more triple than Kim, I felt that Kim should have more than made up for that in the choreography and interpretation etc. Kim did outscore Sotnikova by a teeny margin, but WHUT. Seriously, I can honestly say I didn't really understand Sotnikova's choreography. What was with all the hand waving and fist making and what not? I don't know. It seems strange to me, that Sotnikova not only won, but won by so much. Kim was really above it all when the media asked her about it. I know she was crying after, but she is amazing and still my fave.

Pairs
Predicted
G- Volosozhar/Trankov
S- Savchenko/Szolkowy
B- Pang/Tong

Actual
G- Volosozhar/Trankov
S- Stolbova/Klimov
B- Savchenko/Szolkowy
Am I surprised that Russia went 1-2 here? A little. What I'm WAY more surprised about is which Russian team took silver. Stolbova and Klimov weren't even considered the second best skaters in Russia let alone the world. I didn't see their short program, but their free skate was pretty amazing. I did however, kind of think that Addams Family as a music choice was pretty junior-ish. Even though they aged out of juniors a while ago. Anyway, I also felt kind of bad for Sav/Szol because you could really feel how much they wanted the gold medal. And they threw in everything they could. I do wish they'd landed the throw triple axel, but if you want to land a move like that you have to practice it and compete it consistently, which they definitely did not. I also am really disappointed that NBC didn't show Moore-Towers/Moscovitch's skates, because they finished in 5th, which is really great, they even beat Duhamel/Radford. I didn't see D/R's free skate, but it must've been pretty rough to drop them all the way to 7th. Anyway, I'm really interested to see how things are going to shake out at Worlds. I think 2 or 3 of the top 5 teams are retiring, and I'm curious who will be the next world champions, and if Stolbova and Klimov can carry this win into that competition. 


Dance
Predicted
G-Davis/White
S- Virtue/Moir
B- Bobrova/Soloviev

Actual
G-Davis/White
S- Virtue/Moir
B- Ilinykh/Katsalapov
This outcome has been so hotly disputed by the fans on twitter and tumblr and wherever. And I can honestly say, I understand why. V/M had their 2 best skates of the season. Especially considering that during the team event, they really dropped the ball. However, I do feel like their free dance is a very tired retread of their Mahler free skate from the last Olympic season. They executed it well, but honestly I think Davis and White were better. The difference there is that they have been competing both their routines perfectly ALL SEASON. I don't know if V/M were still struggling with her compartment syndrome or what, but they haven't been as sharp this season. So maybe people are reacting to the difference in performance for V/M versus the consistency of D/W. And again, I think the whole vote-trading cheating rumors are stupid and hurtful to the skaters. Davis and White are amazing athletes, amazing skaters and so are Virtue and Moir. I can't really wrap my head around the vitriol of the V/M fans. It's really sad, because V/M seem like they are being very gracious. They know how good D/W are. Obviously. 

Ok, so I spent enough time on G/S medalists. Let's talk about bronze. I thought that I/K were great. They really performed both routines with a fire in their belly, that I didn't see from some of the other teams. And I can understand that they may have outscored both Pechalat and Bourzat and Bobrova and Soloviev because of the program components score. But for a team that was *9TH* in the world last year to beat 2 world bronze medalists in the technical elements scores!? I mean, I just can't imagine that they rose so quickly, or that P/B fell so quickly. P/B have been really consistent this year, and it seems to me like if I/K were to beat them, it should not have been by a margin of 6 points overall. Bobrova and Soloviev, had very different problems. They were just kind of fine in the short dance, and then in the free dance, they trashed the Four Seasons program-which I thought was a good move at first, but then I saw how unpolished their free dance was and how they struggled with some of the moves. Anyway, that was a little disappointing, I expected more from them. (Side note, I thought Elena Ilinykh's makeup was SO over the top).

Team
Predicted
G- Canada
S- USA
B- Russia

Actual
G- Russia
S- Canada
B- USA
I mean, I think in retrospect, the team event is dumb. Yes? We all know that after the short dance, it was all over and medalists decided. Then why is it we are still using our best and tiring them out? I'm sure a lot of Lipnitskaia fans are wondering how much the team event may have hurt her in the individual event. I mean, amirite? And same goes for Plushenko. I really do not like him as a skater, but I did feel bad that he had to withdraw because of pain in his back. I don't want to see people get hurt. I think, had these Olympics not been in Russia, the event would not have been such a success. I don't know, I guess for some skaters, they got the jitters out? But then again, we thought Jeremy Abbott got the jitters out and we all know how his short program went in the individual event. Anyway. OLYMPICS.