Hey there friendship! Today I am going to review Ice Castles(the new one) from the perspective of a skating fan who doesn't usually watch movies about figure skating because they aren't realistic. Yea. So. Let's jump right in.
Now that I'm really looking at this cover, I can see they are really emphasizing Michelle Kwan's cameo, which is the right move. In fact if I were in charge of this show, I'd get rid of this canoodling couple(I don't even know who these actors are) and just put Michelle front and center.
1. Apparently the main girl is a real skater, she came in 14th at Nationals in like 2006, so good casting I guess.
2. Her dad is Conrad Grayson from Revenge!
3. Seriously, you CANNOT do 4 double axels in one routine. It is AGAINST THE RULES. You can do the same jump twice, and it must be done once in combination and once by itself for you to get points. Also, why does she keep doing falling leaf jumps? And the crowd keeps clapping? AND! Why are the stands so packed!? It's not even a regional competition, they should be empty! UGH.
4. Her face is kind of driving me crazy. I mean she is pretty but like, the whole wide eyed thing is dumb. It's a little Kristen Stewart-ish in the way that she keeps doing it and it makes me think she's physically incapable of making other expressions.
5. This girl who is supposed to be her rival and really good, she totally two-footed a landing.
6. Her coach is totally creeping me out. Is he hitting on her? Yuck.
7. I do like that she is skating to Firebird though. It's ambitious. Oh. And look at that, another double axel. OH! But she can do other jumps! She keeps leaning outside of the circle though, that's not very good technique. Ugh, and another falling leaf. Well, this performance at regionals is fine for a regionals performance. But again, her jump technique is a bit shoddy.
8. Ok so now the coach is yelling at her, that's probably realistic, I don't know. But she is a terrible actress. Oh she's so sweet and shy and UUUUUGGGHHH puke. You know what the problem is, it's that she overacts. It's probably because when you're a skater you have to sell everything so that the people sitting waaaaay in the back can see what you're doing with your facial muscles. I wish someone would tell her the camera is right up in her shit so she doesn't have to do that.
9. I just realized we only have an hour left in this movie and she still has full eyesight. Anyway, now sadface boyfriend realizes she's not at his hockey game. Boohoo. This movie has turned into like 20 minutes of phone tag. I DON'T CARE.
10. So she's never comepeted at nationals before and she's a "media darling?" AND NOW SHE'S ON THE COVER OF IFS!? Uhm. No, she's never competed internationally before, junior or senior and she's on the cover? That's like if someone on cable access got on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Methinks otherwise.
11. Omg, I just relized her boyfriend is one of the "masseurs" in The Client List, which was a craptacular show(I watched like a season and a half of it, nbd).
12. Sad breakup montage. I don't care. They both cope by skating. Real subtle, movie.
13. He's not a very good coach if he can't even get her to lean inside the circle. Also, does the movie want me to like the coach or hate him? First he was kind of awful and then he's nice to her about her breakup?
14. Haha, an Icenetwork ticker. Way to namedrop, movie.
15. I like how there's like a paparazzi frenzy on the way into the rink. Because being a figure skater with questionable technique is just like being in the NBA!
16. And look, sadface boyfriend is at Sectionals to watch crazy hair girlfriend. Doing falling leaf jumps. I like how they cut away in the middle of the jump to a different angle. They can't show a continuous shot of her jumps because she isn't good enough to land them. But sadface boyfriend doesn't care! Uncomfortably close shots of his face tell the audience he thinks she's really good. Just in case that wasn't drilled into us before.
17. SHE KISSED HER COACH. WTF. Like how old is everyone here, because ew.
18. You do not get to go back on the ice for a curtain call! Wtf. So much wtf.
19. This movie kind of reminds me of Honey. Except that Jessica Alba can act. And dance. ZING, Taylor. Didn't this girl have any say in the movie about realism? Maybe she didn't care as long as she got to be the lead.
20. This movie is so dumb. So the girl goes outside to skate and EVERYONE goes to the window to stare out at her like they've never seen such a thing before?
21. This movie is reaaaaal casual about the whole blindness thing when they're introducing the idea. So she just falls and bumps her head a little and all of a sudden she's blind? Is that a thing? Does this really happen?
22. And, she is kind of a bitch to her coach about the whole, "My career is over" thing. Which makes me like her more? I don't know, it's honestly the first time she's exhibited anything approximating a personality.
23. I do like how they've decorated the sets, pics of Sasha Cohen, Yu Na Kim, MK. Well done, set people.
24. Sadface Lexie only has half an hour to stop being so sadface. On the other hand, now she and sadface boyfriend have something in common. So.
25. That's right, you yell at her Conrad Grayson! She actually said "It's slippery" in reference to the ice. *Picard facepalm*
26. Oh look, sadface boyfriend is back. I like that he called her a wuss. But also, like why is he all forcing her to hang out with him? She doesn't want to be around you pal!
27. She's not very convincing at being a blind person. Also sadface boyfriend is kind of mean. He keeps letting her just run into stuff. And CAN she see? The movie keeps implying that she can kind of see, like blurry stuff. I wonder if blind people can actually skate like this.
28. MICHELLE! I'm always amazed when she cameos in these kinds of shit movies. Oh and look the coach is back. I'm assuming since sadface boyfriend is in college that Lexie is also college-aged, so her coach isn't a total sleaze? So, good for you, guy.
29. Oh and look! It's Sandra Bezic. She's actually kind of terrible as a commentator. At the Olympics she's always saying things like, "She knew when she came here, she had to skate with an open heart or she'd lose everything!" Yea. It's things like that, that get figure skating made fun of.
30. Just a nitpick here, but HOW UGLY is her costume for nationals? What's with the abdomen window? It kind of seems like a retread of Michelle's Lyra Angelica outfit and routine. Which I'm not ok with. Also, what happens if she falls during the routine, how will she get her bearings to keep skating? Maybe she'd just stop altogether. Go big or go home. Oh, and look she's done the same spin combination and jumps multiple times in one program, because that's not against the rules! And why does everyone only skate the long program? Where is the short program? I guess in the movie universe, they don't have to do that.
31. Ruh roh, drama when she trips on the teddy bears. Are people going to find out that she's blind!? How could they have missed it? That's the real question. No, instead she just kisses sadface boyfriend. GET OFF THE ICE!
Ok, and that's a good place to stop, because the movie is over. THANKFULLY. They don't tell us where she placed, which is good because I don't care. I'm going to tell myself that this was a made-for-tv movie and that the original is probably better, but seriously. No wonder no one takes figure skating seriously when there are movies like this.
Anyway, if you are looking for a good movie about sports... this isn't for you. Also if you're a figure skating fan...this isn't for you. I recommend the Cutting Edge, really the only acceptable figure skating movie I've seen. TOE PIIIIIIICK!
Now that I'm really looking at this cover, I can see they are really emphasizing Michelle Kwan's cameo, which is the right move. In fact if I were in charge of this show, I'd get rid of this canoodling couple(I don't even know who these actors are) and just put Michelle front and center.
1. Apparently the main girl is a real skater, she came in 14th at Nationals in like 2006, so good casting I guess.
2. Her dad is Conrad Grayson from Revenge!
3. Seriously, you CANNOT do 4 double axels in one routine. It is AGAINST THE RULES. You can do the same jump twice, and it must be done once in combination and once by itself for you to get points. Also, why does she keep doing falling leaf jumps? And the crowd keeps clapping? AND! Why are the stands so packed!? It's not even a regional competition, they should be empty! UGH.
4. Her face is kind of driving me crazy. I mean she is pretty but like, the whole wide eyed thing is dumb. It's a little Kristen Stewart-ish in the way that she keeps doing it and it makes me think she's physically incapable of making other expressions.
5. This girl who is supposed to be her rival and really good, she totally two-footed a landing.
6. Her coach is totally creeping me out. Is he hitting on her? Yuck.
7. I do like that she is skating to Firebird though. It's ambitious. Oh. And look at that, another double axel. OH! But she can do other jumps! She keeps leaning outside of the circle though, that's not very good technique. Ugh, and another falling leaf. Well, this performance at regionals is fine for a regionals performance. But again, her jump technique is a bit shoddy.
8. Ok so now the coach is yelling at her, that's probably realistic, I don't know. But she is a terrible actress. Oh she's so sweet and shy and UUUUUGGGHHH puke. You know what the problem is, it's that she overacts. It's probably because when you're a skater you have to sell everything so that the people sitting waaaaay in the back can see what you're doing with your facial muscles. I wish someone would tell her the camera is right up in her shit so she doesn't have to do that.
9. I just realized we only have an hour left in this movie and she still has full eyesight. Anyway, now sadface boyfriend realizes she's not at his hockey game. Boohoo. This movie has turned into like 20 minutes of phone tag. I DON'T CARE.
10. So she's never comepeted at nationals before and she's a "media darling?" AND NOW SHE'S ON THE COVER OF IFS!? Uhm. No, she's never competed internationally before, junior or senior and she's on the cover? That's like if someone on cable access got on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Methinks otherwise.
11. Omg, I just relized her boyfriend is one of the "masseurs" in The Client List, which was a craptacular show(I watched like a season and a half of it, nbd).
12. Sad breakup montage. I don't care. They both cope by skating. Real subtle, movie.
13. He's not a very good coach if he can't even get her to lean inside the circle. Also, does the movie want me to like the coach or hate him? First he was kind of awful and then he's nice to her about her breakup?
14. Haha, an Icenetwork ticker. Way to namedrop, movie.
15. I like how there's like a paparazzi frenzy on the way into the rink. Because being a figure skater with questionable technique is just like being in the NBA!
16. And look, sadface boyfriend is at Sectionals to watch crazy hair girlfriend. Doing falling leaf jumps. I like how they cut away in the middle of the jump to a different angle. They can't show a continuous shot of her jumps because she isn't good enough to land them. But sadface boyfriend doesn't care! Uncomfortably close shots of his face tell the audience he thinks she's really good. Just in case that wasn't drilled into us before.
17. SHE KISSED HER COACH. WTF. Like how old is everyone here, because ew.
18. You do not get to go back on the ice for a curtain call! Wtf. So much wtf.
19. This movie kind of reminds me of Honey. Except that Jessica Alba can act. And dance. ZING, Taylor. Didn't this girl have any say in the movie about realism? Maybe she didn't care as long as she got to be the lead.
20. This movie is so dumb. So the girl goes outside to skate and EVERYONE goes to the window to stare out at her like they've never seen such a thing before?
21. This movie is reaaaaal casual about the whole blindness thing when they're introducing the idea. So she just falls and bumps her head a little and all of a sudden she's blind? Is that a thing? Does this really happen?
22. And, she is kind of a bitch to her coach about the whole, "My career is over" thing. Which makes me like her more? I don't know, it's honestly the first time she's exhibited anything approximating a personality.
23. I do like how they've decorated the sets, pics of Sasha Cohen, Yu Na Kim, MK. Well done, set people.
24. Sadface Lexie only has half an hour to stop being so sadface. On the other hand, now she and sadface boyfriend have something in common. So.
25. That's right, you yell at her Conrad Grayson! She actually said "It's slippery" in reference to the ice. *Picard facepalm*
26. Oh look, sadface boyfriend is back. I like that he called her a wuss. But also, like why is he all forcing her to hang out with him? She doesn't want to be around you pal!
27. She's not very convincing at being a blind person. Also sadface boyfriend is kind of mean. He keeps letting her just run into stuff. And CAN she see? The movie keeps implying that she can kind of see, like blurry stuff. I wonder if blind people can actually skate like this.
28. MICHELLE! I'm always amazed when she cameos in these kinds of shit movies. Oh and look the coach is back. I'm assuming since sadface boyfriend is in college that Lexie is also college-aged, so her coach isn't a total sleaze? So, good for you, guy.
29. Oh and look! It's Sandra Bezic. She's actually kind of terrible as a commentator. At the Olympics she's always saying things like, "She knew when she came here, she had to skate with an open heart or she'd lose everything!" Yea. It's things like that, that get figure skating made fun of.
30. Just a nitpick here, but HOW UGLY is her costume for nationals? What's with the abdomen window? It kind of seems like a retread of Michelle's Lyra Angelica outfit and routine. Which I'm not ok with. Also, what happens if she falls during the routine, how will she get her bearings to keep skating? Maybe she'd just stop altogether. Go big or go home. Oh, and look she's done the same spin combination and jumps multiple times in one program, because that's not against the rules! And why does everyone only skate the long program? Where is the short program? I guess in the movie universe, they don't have to do that.
31. Ruh roh, drama when she trips on the teddy bears. Are people going to find out that she's blind!? How could they have missed it? That's the real question. No, instead she just kisses sadface boyfriend. GET OFF THE ICE!
Ok, and that's a good place to stop, because the movie is over. THANKFULLY. They don't tell us where she placed, which is good because I don't care. I'm going to tell myself that this was a made-for-tv movie and that the original is probably better, but seriously. No wonder no one takes figure skating seriously when there are movies like this.
Anyway, if you are looking for a good movie about sports... this isn't for you. Also if you're a figure skating fan...this isn't for you. I recommend the Cutting Edge, really the only acceptable figure skating movie I've seen. TOE PIIIIIIICK!
