Hola Lovers, it is time. A full movie review! Do you love Nicholas Sparks? Do you hate him? Do you love/hate everything he creates!? So do I, so let's not judge each other. Let us watch People's new Sexiest Man Alive romance Amanda Seyfried.
1. She's just so blond! I mean really. Her hair is glorious, don't get me wrong, but whoa, is there a lot of it. This is not a commentary on AS's smarts by the way. Her hair is just so blond!
2. Hello Scott Porter. Now I love Scott Porter. Jason Street will always have a special place in my heart, but is it just me or is he like really horrible in the other stuff he does? Like, I don't love him on Hart of Dixie, and when I still watched the Good Wife, I did not love him there. So conflicted!
3. "I want to meet your dad...tonight." I'm sorry, WUT. Who!? Seriously, who does that! Who says that to a person you met YESTERDAY! I cannot even. Like it's clearly making Channing Tatum uncomfortable. I just would not risk making Dakota Channing uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying!?
4. Do you think they made him a surfer so that he could be shirtless all the time? Because it was a good choice, I'm just curious.
5. It's like sometimes they have chemistry? But then they keep talking and it's really weird. Maybe this movie would be more believable if they just stared at each other the whole time.
6. This makeout scene is way awkward. He picks her up and then sits down? BUT THEN! The montage! We all love a montage, guys. We just do. I mean the best montage is a makeover, that is just a fact. But the second best kind is a romance one. Also a fact.
7. Who runs away during a makeout session with Dakota Channing? I mean it's just getting very hard to suspend my disbelief guys. By the way, I hope it's ok that I am calling him Dakota Channing. I once watched the She's the Man commentary with all of the actors, where one of the guys said they used to call him that. Anyway, it's our thing now. It's like when we say filim instead of film, so we all know that we are joking and we can all laugh together at our joke instead of being pretentious(like Nicholas Sparks).
8. Ruh roh. Shit just got real up in here, you guys. Why'd she have to say that stuff about his dad? Like for realz. AND THEN YOU! Scott Porter! I'm looking at you. But also, in the span of 5 minutes, Dakota Channing just goes from "I want to be with you forever" then...BAM. Punch! "It is over." I just cannot you guys.
9. Dakota Channing's dad has some really nice flatware. Am I such a girl that I'm noticing their China? Because it is nice.
10. Oh and then crossover! She asks him to write down his life story? Yea, because that is the plot of The Notebook. This is just laziness at this point, Nicholas Sparks.
11. And then another montage! A postal montage? I mean any montage will do, it just doesn't have the same excitement factor. Also why is she reading in a darkened lecture hall? Like, I've totally read other stuff during lecture, we all have. One time I was reading Pride and Prejudice during Chemistry for Engineers during freshman year of college, because hot damn. It was boring. But why can't she wait for some good lighting? I'm sure her luxurious blond hair would also benefit from better lighting.
12. And then she lives on a beautiful horse farm in the south!? Oh, I bet it's like set in North Carolina. Apparently, all Sparks books are set there.
13. His dad is SO CUTE! And he just loves Dakota Channing, even though he's mean to his dad. Why are you mean to your dad!? Like I know we've all been mean to our parents for whatever, but like come on! Dakota Channing, shame on you!
14. So you're telling me this movie was not set post 9-11? I mean when did this movie even come out? 2010? I don't know, it's weird. AND! She's just sneaking around security at the airport? Right after 9-11? That seems like a one way ticket to handcuffs.
15. I can just see what's going to happen. I'm stressing out now. I've committed time and energy to this movie, and they need to end up together! I'm invested you guys! It's not my fault! Scott Porter, don't ruin it!
16. I take it back you guys. His speech was really cute. His speech was everything. And now for sexytimes. If ever there was a place for sexytimes, it is a barn. And I'm being totally unironic about that.
17. But he still re-enlists!? This movie you guys. So much turmoil.
18. Speaking of turmoil. A montage! An angst montage. There is crying, there are phone calls. Maybe this is one of those things from The Notebook, where she writes him every day for 7 years, but her mom takes them all?
19. And then as the movie title implies, she totally shafts the dude. I BET SCOTT PORTER WAS INVOLVED. I'm coming for you Scott. NOOOOOOO, he burns them! He burns her letters! You will totally regret that dude.
20. She's engaged! ENGAGED! Don't you have to date before you get engaged? Which means Amanda Seyfried, she of the beautiful hair, was totes cheating on him! Who does that!? Who!? You know in real life, he would've gotten that letter and then died maybe. HOW WOULD SHE FEEL THEN!? Is all I'm saying Amanda. If you're going to break up with someone in the army, can't you like wait until he's out!?
21. And why does he look so good all the time! Even after he's shot and his dad is like dying, STILL! He looks so good! Like maybe? Maybe make him look normal and sad and stuff? Maybe make this believable? Movie magic guys.
22. And the letter is to his dad! That is just correct. I forgive you for being shitty to him earlier, Dakota Channing. And the dad is in the hallway of the hospital. That's legit you guys, that would totally happen irl. Side note I said IRL to someone the other day and they were like OMG! Did you just make that up now? Wut? No. And he's holding hands with his dad! UGH MOVIE. Do not cry Dakota Channing!
23. But at least we get to see Dakota Channing in his dress uniform. It's not just me right? I just have a theory that all men look better in military uniform. She doesn't look so good though. This outfit is not working for her. Maybe it's the fact that she married Scott Porter and it's not going so well because SHE LOVES DAKOTA CHANNING. Jesus, look at her rock though.
24. Camp Horse Sense? What a completely awful name for a camp. Maybe that's why it went under. Do you know what I'm saying here? She didn't make good life choices, that's what.
25. But she married that other guy! With the cute kid! I totes forgive you Scott Porter. But also? Giving the guy cancer? Like sure, you want us not to hate him, movie. But you didn't have to go quite that far.
26. SEE! SHE DID WRITE LETTERS! But she kept them, not her mom. So cute, you guys. AND THEN! I know I'm capsing, but the almost sexytimes! It's all too much.
27. Ok, so I know I'm a terrible person, blahblahblah, but now that her husband is like dead, can she be with Dakota Channing? UGH HIS BEARD. What. But they are hugging at least, like people who are together. Or will be. They are. Ambiguity means I get to make up the ending. They are together.
Ok, and that is it people! The whole movie. There was a lot going on. Scott Porter was on my hit list and then he was at the TOP of the hit list, and now I feel like I owe him a beer. At least. Scott Porter if you are reading this, I owe you a drink. Also maybe you could introduce me to your friend Taylor Kitsch? I realize after reading this over, that if you haven't seen this movie, it will make no sense to you. Even if you have though, it'd be pretty hard. It's ok! I'm trying new things here guys, some of it will not work! But I will see you next time(I hope?)
